Viewing Lyrics for Billy The Mountain:

Artist:Zappa Frank
Taken from the album Just Another Band From L A by Zappa Frank
Album:Just Another Band From L A
Track:Billy The Mountain
Date Added:18/10/2007
Rating:not yet rated     

Billy the Mountain
Billy the Mountain
A regular picturesque

Postcardy mountain
Residing between lovely
Rosamond and Gorman
With his staning
wife Ethel
A tree, a tree.

Billy was a Mountain
Ethel was a tree growing
off of his shoulder
Billy was a Mountain
Billy was a Mountain
Ethel was a tree
growing off of his shoulder
Ethel was a tree growing off of his shoulder
( Hey, hey,
hey! )
Billy had two big
Caves for eyes
With a cliff for a jaw
would go up or down
And whenever it did
He'd puff out some dust
And hack up a
boulder, hack.
Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.
Hack up a boulder, hack, hack.

Hack up a boulder.

Now, one day, and I believe it was on Tuesday,
a man in
checkered double-knit suit
drove up in large El Dorado Cadillac leased from Bob Spreene

( "Where the freeways meet in Downey!" )
and he laid a huge bulging envelope right at the
corner of BILLY
THE MOUNTAIN, that was right where his foot was supposed to be.
BILLY THE MOUNTAIN, he couldn't believe it:
All those postcards he'd posed for, for all of
those years,
and finally, now at last, his royalties!
"Royalties, royalties,
royalties! The royalty check is in, honey!"
... Yes, BILLY THE MOUNTAIN was rich! Yes, and
his eyeball caves,
they widened in amazement... and his jaw, which was a cliff, well

it ... it dropped thirty feet! A bunch of dust puffed out ...
rocks and boulders hacked up,
hack! hack! ... crushing the Lincoln ...

I gave him the money
He acted real
He hacked up a rock and
It totaled my car
Oh do you
Know any
Might be bound for the valley
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this
( Dear Lord )
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar
( No
shit )
I don't wanna stand here
All night in this bar

By two o'clock,
when bars had already closed down, Billy had broken the
big news to Ethel, AHHHH, and with
dust and boulders everywhere, Billy,
choked with exitement, announced: "Ethel, we're going on
a vacation!"...
Yes, and they were going on a vacation, oh, and Ethel, Ethel, Ethel,
any little woman, she of course was very excited ... she creaked a little
and some old birds flew off of her. Billy told Ethel they were going
to... yes, they where
going to New York! "Ethel, we're going to...
New York!
But first they were gonna stop
in Las Vegas...

"It's off to Las Vegas to check out the lounges,
Pull a few
handles and drink a few beers, oh Ethel,
Ethel, my darling, you know that I love you,

I'm glad we could have a vacation this year,
Oh neat-o, glad we could have a vacation this

They left that night, crunchin' across the Mojave Desert,
their voices
echoing thru the canyons of your minds...
"Ethel, wanna get a cuppa cawfee? Howard
Johnson's, ahhh
there's a Howard Johnson's! ... Wanna eat some clams? ...

first noteworhty piece of real estate they destroyed was Edwards Air
Force Base. And to this
very day, wing-nuts and data reduction clerks
alike speak in reverent whispers about that
fateful night when Test Stand
Number One and the rocket sled itself got LUNCHED, I said
by a famous mountain and his small wooden wife ...

"Word just in to
the KTTV news service undeniably links this mountain and
his wife to drug abuse and payoffs
as part of San Joaquin Valley smut ring.
However, we can assure parents in the Southern
California area that a
recent narcotic crackdown in Torrence ... Hawthorne ... Lomita
Westchester ... Playa del Rey ... Santa Monica ... Tujunga ... Sunland
... San
Fernando ... Pacoima ... Sylmar ... Newhall ... Canoga Park ...
Palmdale ... Glendale ...
Irwindale ... Rolling Hills ... Granada Hills
... Shadow Hills ... Cheviot Hills ... will
provide the secret evidence
the Palmdale Grand Jury has needed to seek a criminal
indictement and
pave the way for stiffer legislation, increased federal aid, and avert

a crippling strike of bartenders and veterinarians throughout the inland

Within the week, Jerry Lewis had hosted a telethon ( La La La nice lady )

to raise funds for the injured, "injured", and homeless, "homeless"
in Glendale, as Billy
had just levelled it.
And a few miles right outside of town Billy caused a
mine/my(?) papa' in the earth's crust, right over the secret underground
dumps, right near
the Jack In The Box on Glenoaks where they keep the pools
of old poison gas and obsolete
germs bombs, just as a freak tornado cruised
through ... Yes, it was about three o'clock in
the afternoon when little
Howard Kaplan was sitting on his porch ( "Toto...!") just
( "Come here, Toto ...!") and having a nice time with his little accordion,

("Toto...!") and this weird wind came up, direct from Glendale,
blowing those terrible germs
in his direction ...
and all this caused by huge mountain
("Aunty Em") somewhere
over the rainbow, blue birds fly,
sucking up two-thirds of it ( suck, suck, suck)

for an ultimetly dispersal over vast stretches of ... WATTS!!!

Now, unless I
misunderstood, it was right outside of Columbus, Ohio
when Billy received his notice to
report for his induction physical. Now
lemme tell ya, Ethel said, now Ethel, Ethel said she
wasn't gonna let him
go ... "I'm not gonna let you go, Billy" ... that's right, we now
confirmed reports from an informed Orange County minister that Ethel is
an active communist and it is this reporter's opinion that she also
practices covent

It was about this time that the telephone rang inside of the
briefcase belonging to one mortal man who might be able to stop all of
senseless destruction and save America herself. And I'm sorry to
disappoint some of you, it
was not Chief Redden. This one man was
Studebacher Hoch, fantastic new super hero of the
current economic slump.
Now, some folks say he looked like Zubin Mehta (Zubin Mehta);

still others say "Bullshit, honey, it was just another greasy guy
who happened to be born
next to the frozen beef pies at Boney's Market...";
still others say "Pshaw/Shaun(?), and
piss on you, Jack,
he's just a crazy Iatlian who drove a red car ..."
You see,
nobody ever really knew for sure because Studebacher
was sooooo mysterious ....

He was so ( he was so, he was so) mysterious
He was so ( he was so, he was so)
'Cuz when a person gets to be such a hero, folks
And marvelouse beyond
You can never really tell about a guy like that
Whether he's really a nice
Or if he just smiles a lot
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.

Whether he's really a nice person
Or if he has a son named Pinocchio or what.
men say he could fly
Some men say he could swim
Others say he could sing like Neil
And all the girls in Flushing would be amazed of him
Two, three amazed of
him ... amazed ...

Time passed. January, February, March, July, Wednesdey, August,
two-thirty in the afternoon, Sunday, Monday, Funny Cars, Walnuts, City of

Industry, Big John Masamanian ...
So when the phone ring in the secret briefcase, a

strong masculine hand with a Dudley Do-Right wristwatch and flexy braclet
grabbed it and
answered in a deep, calmly assured voice: "So... ah...
yeah, yeah hello already ... what?
... well, yeah? ... Ah-are you kidding?
... You're not kidding ... a mountain ... with a
tree growing off of its
shoulder? Aw, you're fulla shit, man... ah listen, by the way,
before you
go on; did you get those white albums I sent ya with the pencil on the

front, yeah? Yeah, you should move some of those for me ... We're having
a lot of,...listen,
so kiss little Jakee on the head... and how's your
wife's hemorrhoids?...ah, that's too you've got a
mountain, with a tree, listen, causing...well, let me write
this down...
sorta take a few notes here...yeah? El Segundo, huh?...causing

untold destruction..( my baby, my baby )...wanted for draft evasion?...
an expense account?
... and per diem, too?..."

They said he could
And of course they were right ...

Ladies and gentelmen, this is it: The
Studebacher Hoch
Dancing Lesson & Cosmic Prayer For Guidence, featuring Aynsley
... HIT IT! ...

Hey, right hand from a heart
Left hand from a heart
Right hand from a heart

Left hand from a left shoulder
To the heart. Fillmore, Fillmore ...
Nobody can dance
like Studebacher Hoch ...
So many rumors have spread about Studebacher Hoch ... consider
rumor which was published about three weeks ago in ROLLING STONE
( oh, it's
gotta be true! ) ... Studebacher Hoch can write the Lord's
Prayer on the head of a pin!"
(NO!) do-do-do do-do-doot doot do-do-do ...
... I'm so hip ... beef pies ... he was born
next to the beef pies,
underneath Joni Mitchell's autographed picture, right beside
Robert's big bank book, next to the boat where Crosby flushed away all
stash and the cops got him in the boat and drove away, to the can where
Neil Young slipped
another disc ...

[ Frozen ??? pie
Frozen ??? pie
Frozen ???
And that was the main influence on him
The influence of a frozen beef pie

Boldly springing into action he phoned his wife who ran a modeling school,

whereupon he... yes, he ran around the back of the Broadway at Hollywood
Boulevard and Vine
to see if he could find himself some big, large,
unused cardboard boxes ( no shit! )...
after which he hit up the Ralph's
on Sunset for some Aunt Jemima syrup, some Kaiser boiler
foil and pair
of blunt sissors, yeah! ... yes, and in the parking lot of Ralph's ...

where no prices are lower prices than Ralph's... in the parking lot of
Ralph's, in between a
pair of customized trucks where nobody was looking,
he cut out some really, really, really
nice wings and he covered them
thoroughly with foil ...

Then he took those
wings and wedged one under each of his powerful
arms and sneaked into a telephone booth
..YES,YES!! And then he shut the
fucking door! ... And he pulled down his blue denim
trouser pants, and he spread even amounts of Aunt Jemima maple syrup
over the inside of his legs! ... Soon the booth was filling with flies
( help
me! help me! help me! ) ... He held open the legs of his boxer
shorts so they could all get
in, and when each and every one of those
little cocksucking flies had gone into his pants
and they were lapping up
all that maple syrup, he bent over and he put his head between his
legs and
he said in a very clear, impressive, Ron-Hubbard-type voice: "New York"...

And the booth and everything lifted up, out of parking lot, and into
the sky.

Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch

Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
Studebacher Hoch
coating his legs
With Aunt Jemima syrup up and down
His shorts will be filled with
That will be buzzing all around
Studebacher Hoch is really outa sight

Studebacher Hoch, he does it every night
Studebacher Hoch, he treats the flies all
Studebacher Hoch
That's why they never bite, hey!

Hey please to
New York
Fly to New York

He could be a dog
Or a frog
Or a
lesbian queen
(Fly to New York)
He could be a narc
Or a lady marine

Or he might play dirty
He's over thirty
Getting old ...
I don't know

His peculiar attire
And the flies he requires
Keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel
is gone
They keep leading him on
'Cuz Ethel is gone
And the mountain she's

And speaking of mountains - - we'll join Studebacher Hoch on the edge
BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth .. take it away! ...

"Ah ... ya, ya, ya, hey-ah, Billy,
listen ... I've come to reason with you
... our great country needs you in the armed forces
... Your number came
up ... ya can't go on running like this forever ..."

but Ethel just shook her twigs angrily. But Studebacher Hoch, calm,
cool, collected and
unperturbed, continued:

"Ya, well listen ... listen you communist sonofabitch ... you
better get
your ass down there for your fuckin' physical or I'll see to it that you

get used for fill dirt in some impending New Jersey marsh reclamation ...
And your girlfiend
there will wind up disguised as series of brooms,
primative ironing boards or a dog house
... get the ( cough, cough) get
the picture?"

Ya, well Billy just

"Ha, ha, ha. If they think they're gonna draft me, they're

Unfortunately, because Studebacher Hoch was standing on the edge of

BILLY THE MOUNTAIN's mouth when the giant mountain laughed ... Studebacher
Hoch lost his
footing and fell screaming, two hundred feet into the
rubble below ... ( "Aaahhhhh, oh fuck,
I'm gonna need a truss ...")

Ah listen, that only goes to show you
And it'l
show you once again that
A mountain is something you don't wanna fuck with
You don't
wanna fuck with
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck with Billy,
And don't fuck with Ethel
You saw what just happened
To the guy with the

Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around

Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck around
Don't fuck
With Biddilly, Biddilly
Biddilly The Mountain

Eddie, are you
Eddie, are you kidding?
Oh I forgot to mention this is where we take our
we will see you in a few minutes
Thank you, We'll be back
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